I have sat down every day for the past week and attempted to write something for the blog.. judging from the hits and shares I’ve been getting, people find my miscellaneous rants and ramblings interesting, or at the least entertaining.. I’m sorry I haven’t been delivering lately.. I’ve been stuck in a little pit of depression.. strange to be writing about depression on a blog that’s supposed to open eyes to beauty, but I guess life is most beautiful when you look at all of it.
I’m a writer, but lately I don’t write.. I’m a painter, but it’s been a long time since I’ve put anything on a canvas.. I’m a musician, but it takes a lot of nerve just to sit down with a guitar for even 30 minutes.. no songs, no poems, no paintings..
Lately I’ve just sort of felt like the receiving end of a solid sucker punch… I’ve had the wind knocked out of me and landed flat on my back, looking dizzily up at the sky… but instead of helping me right back up, God has said “…just lay there a while… lay there until you see how beautiful my sky is right there in front of you.. lay there until you feel the coolness of my ground beneath you, until you appreciate the air I’m billowing into your lungs 40 times every minutes… Lay there until you learn to see again.”
Sometimes life throws something at us that consumes us, it captures our attention and refuses to let us think of anything else.. Sometimes life sucker punches us and knocks us flat and there’s danger in jumping right back up like nothing happened… pretending we never took a hit, everything is fine and getting right back at whatever we were doing before.. the danger is that we don’t learn what the ground has to teach us.. when you find yourself at rock bottom, take time to get to know the rocks. In the darkest times of our lives, God has not said for us to fight our way out, to throw a fit, or to panic… He has said simply, “be still.. know that I am God.” “…just lay there… stop being you and let me be me” Sometimes flat on our back and dizzy is exactly where God want’s us… when we’re laying there, feeling like we weigh a ton, with no energy to move or speak, that’s when we often are able to hear a still, small voice… a whisper to us from someplace just beyond what we can see..
So I’m laying here… no moving, no talking, just listening and trying to see… and as my eyes start to focus again and the stars stop spinning I hear air moving through my lungs and I realize that God is more than enough.. He is bigger. He is stronger. He is more faithful. He is wrath and anger and power all wrapped up in love.. and He is in love with me! He smiles when He looks at me even if nobody else ever does. He wants to be with me, He wants me around, He will never get bored with me and leave, He will never stop forgiving me, never stop providing for me, never stop letting me try again. He is bigger than my problems, he is bigger than my pain, He is bigger than the people who cause it. He is bigger than the sky I’m looking up at, and yet He is close than my skin.